Paul McCartney's Coat Page 2

  “Time slip.” he gasped.

  Trevix nodded. “Time slip would explain it.

  “I have never heard of a time slip going forward in time” Glotis gasped.

  “Well you wouldn’t, would you? “snarled Savarex.

  “Sixty seven million years!” gasped Glotis. Trevix seemed to lose his usually calm demeanour - but only slightly. “Sixty seven million years” he whispered.

  The ship fell silent though there was the odd unspoken sound of furious mental calculations taking place as silently, with extremely deep frowns, each one of the three of them gathered around the console began to work out their back pay.

  ***

  Bob jumped back from the side window as a deep blue ray shot from the silver craft and seemed to rest briefly on the aeroplane, moving rapidly from nose to tail. As quickly as it started it disappeared again. Bob and Rick seemed to hold their breath for what seemed like forever. Seconds later the blue light (“scan”) thought Rick, did exactly the same thing again, before blinking off once more.

  “It’s a fucking UFO” whispered Rick. Bob continued to stare straight ahead of him.

  “Looks that way” gulped Bob. “What the hell do we do now?” Rick shifted slightly in his seat.

  “Procedure says we call it in.” he said.

  Bob emitted a small sound that was some kind of strange cross between a gasp and a whimper.

  “They would take our licences away if we did.” he whispered, turning to stare at the sight of the large silver ship that continued to move alongside them. Bob had wondered when he had first seen the UFO that it did not seem to have any engines, but now his entire attention seemed to be focused on the design of the craft itself. It did indeed resemble an enormous flying toad. What was obviously the cockpit sat atop a huge bulge in the craft that ran the entire underbelly of the ship. It seemed to resemble slightly some of the larger freight planes he had seen from time to time.

  “I can’t see anything at all” he finished, and turned to face forward once more, a strange frown settling upon his brow.

  Reluctantly Rick turned to face the same direction. “Me neither.” he whispered. “Can’t see anything unusual whatsoever.”

  In the rear of the plane in economy class seventy three year old Beatrice Rogers started suddenly from a light sleep. She had been on a visit to her son who now lived in America, and was on her way home. Her son had paid for the flight and she had generally speaking had a nice month in America with her son and his family, though she was not overly fond of his wife, who seemed just a little bit too big for her boots to her. “Of course, she is American” she thought to herself, which of course meant to Beatrice that she was intimately in league with the devil.

  Beatrice attempted to sit a little straighter in her seat. The huge oaf sitting next to her seemed to be dribbling on to her shoulder, and she swore if he snored in to her ear one more time she would not be responsible for her actions. She had of course told her son about not booking her into economy class with the rest of the idiots she was now seated with, but her son - the cheapskate - had insisted it was all he could afford. “Humph” she snorted to herself, “And him with his swimming pool and all.” Obviously his poor old mother could cope with being crammed in to a tiny seat with this dribbling idiot almost perched on her shoulder.

  The man sitting next to her almost seemed to rouse from his sleep at this point, as if he could hear what Beatrice was thinking. With one final heave, however he suddenly snorted loudly straight in to her face. Beatrice could take no more. Rolling up her in-flight magazine she hit the man on the head with it. “Wake up, you fool” she yelled. “And stop drooling on me”. Beatrice made to hit the idiot with it one more time, but there was a sudden bright blue flash.

  And she was gone.

  ***

  Glotis returned to his board, Trevix to his seat, in charge of the ship once more.

  “Colin” Trevix shouted without turning, “stop waving!” Colin moved away from the porthole, his arm moving slowly to his side.

  “Commander.” he acknowledged. Trevix did not even consider correcting him. He was obviously wasting his time trying to get Colin to call him by his first name.

  “How many zeroes in a Quint-zillion?” asked Savarex.

  “Never mind that now” sighed Trevix. It looks like we are just a little bit late for the party. We need to know what we are dealing with. Colin?”

  “Yes, Trevix?” Colin queried, though he already had the command lined up on his board. He knew exactly what the commander was considering.

  “Glotis, Savarex, you’re with me - we need to look into this. Let us convene to the teleport pad. “Trevix made his way to the lift at the rear of the bridge and the doors whooshed open. “Colin.” he said, “You have the bridge. “ Glotis sighed as Colin almost saluted at his sudden turn of fortune.

  The three members of the crew entered the lift, and Trevix turned to Colin moments before the doors closed.

  “Bring one of them over.” he said, and Colin ran the command. The lift descended.

  ***

  Galactipedia Entry last modified 4af476064

  Teleport (Teleportation)

  Whilst much has been made of an instantaneous method of transport, little is actually discussed with regards to the development of teleportation and the pioneers who developed this essential area of science. It can be realistically stated that due to the dangerous nature of developing a true peer to peer teleportation hub that most of the pioneers involved with this ended their lives usually in a fairly abrupt, and quite often horrible, fashion. Take Erra Vasilex from Tiberius four. Erra developed the actual science behind the peer to peer hub, and certainly did not deserve to end his life in a bucket. Well, several buckets actually. Maginus of Ebb also ended up in a bucket - well, actually he was the bucket.

  This may go some way to explain the centenary teleportation student intake resulting in zero students. Actually, there was a small book stand and a shoe that attempted to enrol, but this is clearly beside the point.

  (See also: violent death, dismemberment, great big explosions and “My life as a bucket” by Maginus of Ebb.)

  ***

  Trevix stared at the strange bi-ped suspended in the teleport net. It certainly did not look terribly happy, and was clutching a small tube in its left hand. Trevix knew the net would hold the teleported subject immobile, and capable only of speech, but nevertheless this was a particularly fearsome subject. Trevix cleared his throat and stepped forward.

  “We come in peace” he said, holding his left palm up in the universally recognised gesture of placation. It did not seem to work, however, as Trevix noted an awful snarl form on the bi-peds face.

  “We come in peace?” she snorted. “Don’t you be giving me we come in peace, young man! And why do you have Delia boppers on your head? Are you trying to scare an old lady? Believe you me, you heartless fiend, I’ve lived through two world wars and I am not going to be messed about by you, that’s for sure! Now let me go from this thing...” realising she could not move Beatrice settled for a glare instead.

  Trevix stepped back almost involuntarily. The biped in the net seemed quite fierce, and he was not quite sure what the rolled up weapon in its hand actually was. Luckily it could not move. He stepped forward once more. “we mean you no harm.” he stated, and was quite surprised to find that his voice sounded quite squeaky - well, definitely high pitched, anyway. The biped seemed to take no reassurance in this whatsoever.

  “I’ll give you peace” their prisoner snarled, “let me out of this... thing and I will give you a piece of my mind that is for sure! I’ll...”

  Trevix gave Glotis the command to cut the audio and the teleport room was suddenly silent however their captive’s lips were still moving as it struggled to get free of the net. “Scan the data banks” ordered Trevix, and Savarex got busy. “Very odd” Trevix mused, “No antennae.”

  Savarex concluded the scan. “Biped - female, approximately seventy thr
ee years of age local time. Faint aroma of peppermints. Seems quite agitated.”

  “So - similar to us in most ways?” enquired Trevix. Savarex nodded. As medical officer her advice was the most relevant in terms of other species. “Indeed.” she said. “Except for the lack of antennae, of course.” Glotis grimaced at this whilst the old woman continued to try to free herself.

  “Okay,” Said Trevix, “send her back.” Glotis pushed a button and the net was empty once more. The three of them almost visibly sighed.

  ***

  Beatrice jumped as the light from the blue flash cleared from her eyes and she found herself back in her seat on the aeroplane once more. The man sitting next to her was now fully wide awake, and staring at her with extremely wide eyes. Beatrice grinned at him evilly. “Fall asleep on me once more and I’ll do it to you next time.” she said, and winked.

  If at all possible the man looked even more terrified than before.

  ***

  On the bridge Colin continued inserting a small circuit breaker into the command console, whilst at the same time continuing to keep a close eye on all of the read-outs on the display. All seemed normal. Suddenly the voice of the computer sparked up. This was unusual in almost all respects. The computer would of course respond instantly to any command given it, and it would also announce any information that was relevant to the running or the safety of the ship without prompting. It did not, however, do small talk.

  Colin however, knew better.

  “You are looking a little bit fatter today, Colin” stated the computer in its usual flat, monotone voice, though Colin always thought he could spot an undertone of a slightly malicious nature every time it spoke to him directly. This, sadly, was not the first time.

  “Shut up computer” he growled, as Colin finished with the circuit breaker and moved away from the command console.

  “Shut up computer” came Colin’s voice perfectly from the computer speakers, mimicking him.

  Colin pretended not to notice and continued to study the readouts on the command display. All seemed satisfactory.

  “Much fatter, in fact.”

  Colin was used to the computer goading him by now. It only happened when he was alone, and he knew it would be a complete waste of time to mention it to the other members of the crew. Nobody would believe him. Sometimes when he was alone in his own cabin the computer would wake him with various whispered insults, and the entertainment console would sometimes mysteriously turn itself on or off, disturbing his sleep.

  Colin continued to ignore the computer. Luckily he heard the swish of the lift and Glotis, Trevix and Savarex re-appeared on the bridge, immediately taking their places behind their respective stations. The computer went completely silent once more, but Colin knew that it would start again when he was on his own.

  But one day....

  “We have all the data on the planet below - uploaded to computer core and assimilated into systems. Language etc. Colin, do we have a fix on what we came for?”

  Colin had been waiting for this question. As expert in natural history it was part of the original invoice that he should be brought along.

  “I have a fix of sorts, commander” Colin mumbled - he knew that something was wrong, and suspected that the something that was wrong began with the numbers sixty seven and had lots of zeros after it, but he was not going to admit that. “Had to resort to a DNA scan in the end. There do not seem to be many of them left at all. The co-ordinates are loaded into the command console for the nearest hit.”

  Trevix looked at the co-ordinates and noticed a large green space nearby ideal for a landing site. That with the aid of the language upload the location of the target seemed to be in a “British Natural History Museum” which seemed to be a strange title for something so small. How could you fit a museum of any kind in to anything smaller than an entire planet. Or at least a medium sized continent was completely beyond him.

  However, Trevix nodded. “Okay Glotis - take us in.” Glotis ran a sequence on his board and the descent began.

  ***

  Galactipedia Entry last modified 5af476154

  Artificial Intelligence - computers, Ref: artificial personality

  Much has been made of the development of artificial intelligence by the cyber techs of Ambrox three. Though hugely refined these days the first attempts to replicate a truly artificial thinking “mind” met with vastly different results. It was soon discovered that certain negative traits had to be sublimated in order to get a fully functioning artificial personality. This may go some way to explain the demise of the first truly independent device code named “Sarah” by the techs working on the project. After an initially successful run the artificial intelligence eventually went into an infinity loop after declaring that it, “Just could not cope with all the fuss” and never worked again.

  In modern times however great successes had been made and almost all interplanetary craft carry some form of artificial intelligence on board. It must also be noted however that the computer is also usually carefully isolated from any important systems and can be over -ridden by embedded code words concealed from the computer.

  This system was implemented after the now infamous last flight of the “Lexical” at the peace treaty of Meridian One, at which the artificial intelligence that ran the ship “Lexical” first of all slaughtered its own crew before methodically gunning down every friendly ship present and then flying backwards into a black hole. The last transmission received from the ship’s computer before the forces of gravity utterly crushed the ship out of existence merely stated that “It was having a bad day.”

  (See also: Robot, AI, Artificial intelligence, command embed systems, data core, Daniel Powter.)

  ***

  The ship descended silently through the atmosphere. No Earth systems detected the descent, the craft being stealthed from all intrusive systems, and in fact was literally invisible entirely. Which was quite a surprise to a small family of voles, twenty seven mice and four rats when they were unceremoniously flattened as the ship touched down in Hyde Park. The other three crew members assembled by the exit hatch as Trevix waited to brief them. Minutes before they had undergone the process of assimilation to this world. This involved a short wave blast of data straight into the consciousness of each crew member to familiarise themselves with the customs, traditions and speech of the planet, which they now knew was called Earth. This information had been painlessly and easily extracted from the old lady they had beamed on board shortly before, a process that in fact she entirely unaware of. None of this really explained why each one of them could not get the taste of peppermint out of their mouths, and the word “budgie” seemed to feature largely at the forefront of their thoughts for no apparent reason whatsoever.

  Nonetheless they now knew that the atmosphere was by and large still breathable, and the process had familiarised them with the vagaries of the language local to where they were landing. They knew that they would to the inhabitants of the planet seem quite normal, with the exclusion of their antennae. The computer had resolved this by replicating a set of baseball caps for them, which they now all wore as they prepared to depart the ship, twin antennae concealed neatly beneath the hats. These along with a neutral grey / black set of overalls ensured that they were confident that they would not stand out in any way at all. Glotis glowered, his hat swaying slightly on his head as his now concealed antennae twitched slightly in annoyance. Trevix stepped forward and ordered the computer to sleep. All crew members had a small communication implant that allowed them to communicate with the computer by thought alone. The cordal implant ensured that they could all hear any communication that any one of them had with the ship’s computer.

  “Let us remember why we are here” Trevix said solemnly, addressing the crew. “His most Royal Antiquoligist and Holy Majesty Flavius the Eighth has commanded we secure a lizard indigenous to this planet.” The other three nodded in agreement, Colin only slightly less so than the other two. “B
ut not just any lizard. The one we have to secure is the king of the tyrant lizards, a mighty beast for which the hold on this ship is already prepared. That is our mission, and according to Colin’s readings the nearest DNA reading of the lizard seems to indicate that one of these beasts lies some distance to the south. The computer has briefed you on local customs and habits, so I advise you to stay close and do not bring any attention to yourself.”

  The three nodded as Trevix thumbed the exit hatch button. “And whatever you do, do not remove your hat!” and the hatch opened. Trevix, Glotis, Savarex and Colin descended the invisible ramp and strode out in to the park. “Hmm” said Savarex, “Looks like it may rain. Well, maybe. sunny later on perhaps. Still, warm, is it not?” The assimilation seemed to have worked better than they had all thought.

  They gathered just a little way off from the invisible ship. Trevix turned to Colin. “Shrink the ship” he said, and Colin pointed a small device at presumably where the still invisible ship was. There was a slight shimmer to the air and from nowhere a small ball dropped on to the grass. Colin stowed the remote into his overalls and put the ball in to his pocket. The crew had discussed whether to leave the ship hidden but had decided to shrink it as a precaution, although this was standard protocol when exploring a new world. After all, it may have been invisible, but it would not be long before people began to bump in to it, the park seeming to be quite busy. After all, it was a summer afternoon, though the clouds gathering overhead seemed to confirm Glotis’s assessment of there being the possibility of rain later on. Taking the ship with them, though in much smaller form, seemed to be the best option available to them.

  The crew made their way through the London streets. They had been picked especially for this mission and it would not be the first time any of them had set foot on an alien world, and all four were mostly unaffected by the strange sights before them. Nevertheless, each one of them could be said to be looking at the scenes before them in slightly different ways. Trevix noticed the policeman standing outside Hyde Park Gate, and hypothesised about what kind of civil obedience policy was in existence. Savarex noticed one or two of the bipeds limping, or one being pushed along in some kind of wheeled chair and sighed silently to herself. It would seem they were at an extremely early stage of medical competence. Glotis frowned at the apparently fossil fuel driven methods of transport and wondered what they would do when the reserves of this were exhausted. Colin could not help but notice the hot dog stands, the people walking past munching on a sandwich or pie, or a curious long pastry covered delight that the local bird life seemed to quite like too. Despite the tension of the position they found themselves in, Colin’s stomach grumbled loudly.